I’ve started this post a half dozen times. In every instance, believing I knew just what I wanted to convey until I began writing. A thick blanket of fog would cloud my thoughts, leaving me confused, frustrated, and ultimately wandering aimlessly thinking, but I have so much to say. That’s how my life has felt the past five years. Well-intentioned plans overshadowed by a force far greater than anything I imagined. I’ve asked myself repeatedly, how in the world did I get here? Fractured, hurting and alone; separated from my parents and two older brothers by death. Losing them within forty months all the more agonizing and undeniably devastating. I didn’t envision my life this way. It was going to be different. Or so I hoped.
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. -Proverbs 19:21
God has a peculiar way of altering our plans. And boy did He ever switch things up on me. I never imagined I’d be left behind at the age of fifty by those who played the most significant role in shaping my life. But I have. And I believe God has a purpose in all of it.
As I journey on with life in search of discovery and meaning, so much has changed. Pursuits that once prioritized my to-do list have fallen by the wayside. Death has a way of clarifying what’s important and sifting through nonsense. I no longer entertain that which negatively contributes to my wellbeing; the pull is a great expense to bear. I’m now intentional about my time. It’s sacred. I was reckless with it before. Failing to fully grasp how precious a commodity it is. Yet, I have no regrets. Life’s a teacher. The world its classroom. And I, a devout student.
My life’s experiences served enough pain to harden my heart and create a bitterness that bites. And that’s precisely what would have happened if I hadn’t heeded the call at an early age to follow Jesus. I know I’d be one miserable mess, stuck in self-pity, blaming everyone in my path for where I am. But life with God is different. It’s liberating, rewarding, and comes with enormous responsibility. And there’s no other place I’d rather be than standing firmly in The Will of God.